Rick

Rick was my very first on-line dating "experience". Rick seemed energetic and driven with a good sense of humor thrown in to the mix. His pictures were handsome and showed a manicured professional who could also be silly and down-to earth. Yes, I have the magical ability to discern all of these characteristics just by examining photos. Who doesn't?

Rick and I sent a few witty emails back and forth. Witt is one of my biggest turn-ons. Some people go crazy for roses, champagne, ear nibbles...not me. I prefer wooing of the mind. Don't get me wrong, I like those other things just fine. However, if you crack some witty jokes pertaining to current events or pop culture, you are almost guaranteed a goodnight kiss. (Just a peck of course, Mom.)

Rick wasted little time asking me to meet up in person. Since I was brand new to the etiquette of on-line dating, I had no idea if I should accept his offer so soon. After all, we had really only emailed a few times and we had never talked on the phone. Was I supposed to play "hard to get" a little longer? Should I ask him to describe his family tree and note any genetic anomalies that might be prevalent should this get serious?

As I quickly backed up the crazy train, I realized meeting someone in person from an on-line site was just about as dangerous as meeting someone in a bar. Since I have met several nice, interesting strangers in bars from time to time, I thought I should just put on my big girl panties and say yes. I was about to ditch the 15 inch computer screen I had been hiding behind, and put myself out there in the real world.

I confirmed the date and suggested we meet up for a drink or coffee. I got a response back informing me that he did not drink alcohol or coffee. Cringing, I agreed to meet him at a downtown park. (Note: If you know anything about me, ANYTHING, you know that I enjoy the occasional adult beverage and have an IV of coffee hooked to me at all times.)

I promptly conferred with my female team of experts about where to go from there. Armed with a plan, (two of my friends were going to discretely follow us to the park and observe from afar) I felt more confident about this first date. Rachel, being the expert google searcher that she is, began the background check while I tried on every outfit I own.

Turns out, Rick had a website. As we scoured his pages for more information, the exact same realization hit Rachel and I simultaneously: This is Lynn's Rick! Lynn had been on one date with this guy, feel hard for him, and never heard from him again. It was the classic example of why, as a rule, women shouldn't kiss on the first date. The date was only an hour away. With not enough time to cancel, I was trapped. "Well, we will call this a practice date" I determined.

As I walked the sidewalks of downtown on that 90 degree day, I was annoyed that this guy wanted to meet at a park. The slight breeze was blowing my hair into my lip gloss, where it promptly became affixed. My entire body was perspiring, and I could feel a sweat bead rolling down my back toward my Spanx. Regardless of the temperature, Spanx are worn on ALL of my first dates. I don't take any chances.

I could see him in the distance walking toward me, and lifting his hand to wave. Nervous butterflys took over as I tried to smoothly pull my hair out of my lip gloss and not sweat another drop. As we got closer to one another, I was surprised that he was not taller. Surely he looked that short only because he was so far away. I recalled that his profile said that he was 5 ft 10. What kind of guy lies about his height? Unless you plan to never stand up in my presence, you are going to be busted on that one.

As we met and said hello, we engaged in an awkward hug and some small chat about the weather and the live music playing in the park we intended to go to. I immediately decided that he must have enhanced his profile pictures in photoshop, because he looked nothing like glowing images I had seen. He suggested that we walk a little farther to another park. Fantastic, Rick. I'll just keep "glistening" for you while we walk another half a mile.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Leigha were being fantastic super secret spies. And by "fantastic", I mean that they stopped off for pizza and snuck in their own liquor for kicks. I was on my way to a secluded park with a 5 ft 7 potential axe murder, and they were BYOBing it at a pizza parlor? Fantastic plan, ladies.

As we walked in the park, I listened to his life story. He spoke about his glory days as a DJ, his recent break up, how he loved to cycle, in-line skate, and run. I am pretty sure he also told me the tale of his birth, his shoe size, and his theory on curing world hunger. He did not, however, ask me anything about myself.

I finally asked him why he chose not to drink alcohol. "I've just never had the urge to try it" he responded. "I'd rather spend my money on things like clothes. I am uninterested in wasting it on alcohol."

He acted as if that was a perfectly normal stance to take on the matter. No further explanation necessary. To me, his answer was flawed and lacked purpose. "You mean you've never been offered free alcohol at someone's house?" I rebutted.

"Well yeah," he admitted, "but it has just never appealed to me."

"How do you know something doesn't appeal to you if you have never tried it?" I asked. I was hoping he would open up and share that he had been negatively affected by someone with a drinking problem, or that he chose to abstain for religious purposes.

"Well I guess I don't really have a good answer to that" he confessed.

I could look past the false representation of his physical appearance, but I simply could not overlook this. Conviction without purpose seems dangerous to me. Were most people satisfied with Rick's rationalization for this life choice? It just seemed to be a decision that he made as a conversation topic. I am sure that he always won at the "Never Have I Ever" game. Regardless of why he didn't seem to have rationale for his convictions, it was strike three. I sadly wondered where Mr. Witty had gone. The only guy who showed up for this date was Mr. Windbag.

"Wow! Would you look at the time?" I muttered. "I promised my good friends Rachel and Leigha that I would meet them for pizza!"